I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
