Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
