New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
