my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
