you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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