In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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