Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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