Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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