it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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