I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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