Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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