His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
