You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
