guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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