we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
