Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
