forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
