I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
