I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
