Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
