you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
