I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is Oprah even human
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
