his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
