"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
