Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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