You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
