i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
