I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
