Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
