we have pet lesbian snakes
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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