Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
