I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
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