you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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