I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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