I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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