nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
