I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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