If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
