I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
