Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
