Cold hands, warm shart.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
