what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
