If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
