Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
