I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do you have feelings for this penis?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
