Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
