If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
