i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
