my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
