There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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