I'm drive I can fine osifer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
