the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
