maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
