You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
