i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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