the room spins SO much faster in panama
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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