The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
