life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I think my moral compass just broke
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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